Now that EA Sports has ended its relationship with Tiger Woods, they’re going to need a new cover for their golf video game. Luckily, we at the Back9Network are waaaaayyyy ahead of the game and came up with the perfect replacement.
Behold! EA Sports Brandel Chamblee: Apology Tour!
Have you ever dreamed about calling a completely biased round of golf from the comfort and seclusion of a TV bird’s nest? Welp, now you can, Sparky! Thanks to the miracles of modern video game technology, now YOU can live the life of a golf analyst blow-hard right from your living room!
Game developers have left no stones unturned with this title, as evidenced by this list of exciting features we just made up:
- New Television Call-In Rule Violations Mode! Wait a dadgum second; did that golf ball just move? Hit the left trigger on your controller to bring up an interactive cellphone to catch those lying, cheating bastard golfers in the act! Not sure about what you saw? Hit the “A” button to bring up the Super Sonic HD Space Telescope feature for a closer look at the replay!
- Player of the Year Voting Mode! If you’ve got strong opinions on who should win a completely meaningless and subjective award – and we all know you do – record your votes with the all-new POY Voting Mode. Just be sure to spend enough time complaining to your audience beforehand!
- Automatic Twitter Half-Assed Apology Generator! Confused on whether or not you should apologize for that nasty remark you just made at Pebble Beach? Never fear; with this innovative game feature, you can issue what looks like an apology without ever saying you’re sorry! ISN’T SOCIAL MEDIA AWESOME?!
- Johnny Miller Legends Mode! Think you’ve got what it takes to go head-to-head against the legend of bad golf thoughts? Now you can travel back in time to commentate on Johnny’s 1973 U.S. Open victory! Don’t take it too easy on him, because any failure will subject the rest of us to constant reminders from Johnny for the rest of our lives!
Be sure to pre-order your copy now and you’ll get a bonus virtual foot to stick in your virtual mouth!