The 8 golfers you’ll see at every course
1. The Rules Official
Description: He has read the USGA rules book two dozen times and has a copy of it in his golf bag that he will display at a moment’s notice. You better not be trying to move your ball out of that mud patch in the middle of the fairway because, according to Rule 13-b(1.4), that particular mud patch, due to its lack of distinguishing marks, does not fit the criteria for “ground under repair.” I mean, sure, if you want to play that way, fine. But if this was the US Open you’d be getting a significant penalty.
Fun Fact: The Rules Official received a severe beating in 8th grade after reminding his math teacher that she had forgotten to assign homework.
2. The Mulligan Man
Description: He is the complete opposite of The Rules Official. To him, it’s always winter rules… wherever his ball lands, he just finds the nearest and best lie without any sort of obstruction between him and the hole. And then he props it up on a cluster of grass like a tee. Golf’s not so hard! Whoops! Hit one out of bounds again? Just like on the last four holes? Nope! Not really! He didn’t use his 5th hole mulligan yet! And that’s a gimme from 10-feet, right? Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. He’s going to count the putt whether it goes in or not. Put him down for yet another par!
Fun Fact: Despite losing 14 balls during the round, Mulligan Man still managed to shoot 78. Amazing!
3. The Misogynist
Description: He doesn’t so much enjoy golf as he enjoys having an environment where it’s acceptable to complain about women and crudely talk about sex. Leave a putt short or hit a weak drive? “Come on, Sally! You hit that like a p**sy! Nice skirt! Does your husband play?” Hit a putt past the hole or crush a drive? “Whoa! Someone’s wife isn’t giving him enough of the poontang! Look at all that extra aggression!” Whatever The Misogynist shoots in a round, put him down for double that number on uses of the terms “old lady” and “ole’ ball and chain.”
Fun Fact: The Misogynist has been banned from 12 courses for trying to feel up the beverage cart girl.
4. The Volcano
Description: Has a unique ability to allow even the most pleasant days to be soured by any bad swing, bounce, or lie. Relies on the guy with the ball retriever occasionally to fetch clubs out of the lake.
Fun Fact: His favorite expression is “[not printable]”
5. Unsolicited Swing Advice Guy
Description: Knows exactly how to fix your swing even though you didn’t ask. Employs a vast array of Swing Jargon that only confuses you further.
Fun Fact: He’s never actually had a lesson himself… He’s just that good!
6. The Drunk
Description: Golf to him is a drinking sport like Beer Pong or Flip Cup. He’s got five hours to get wasted in the sun, a cooler full of beer in the back of the cart and a flask in his golf bag and time’s a wastin’! Let’s DRINK! LET’S DO THIS!
Fun Fact: On holes 4 and 5, The Drunk will play some of the best, smoothest golf you have ever seen just as a buzz starts setting in. On holes 10 and 11 he will take a 10 and an 11. By hole 15 he will be asleep in the cart.
7. The Cell Phone Guy
Description: Considers the golf course an extension of his office, home, therapist’s couch, etc. Has perfected the balancing-phone-on-the-shoulder wedge shot.
Fun Fact: He makes a call if he doesn’t receive them at least once a hole. “Oh hey man, I gotta make this quick because I’m on the course, but do you know of any good home cleaning services?”
8. The PGA Pro Look-Alike
Description: This guy looks like he stepped out of a Sunday afternoon CBS golf broadcast. His shoes are pristine. His golf glove is fresh and white. He’s got brand name golf pants and shirt. Taylor Made hat. Titleist golf balls that are $4 each. And then you get to his golf bag: there are more expensive, space age metals in there than the new NASA shuttles. And his bag is covered with clips and towels and buttons from all of the elite courses he’s played across the country. Wow. This guy must be awesome!
Fun Fact: He’s terrible. As his ground ball off the tee proved. But it’s not his fault. He just needs to get that new $800 driver that came out. Really. Then you’ll see. He’s going to try to qualify for the US Open next year. He just needs to break 100 first and then it will be easy from there. Would you like another swing tip from him?