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No Laying Up: The Guide To Talking Trash On The Links

No Laying Up’s #TourSauce is a golfer’s guide on how to act like a PGA Tour player even if you’re not one. From club twirls to the “putter toss,” it’s a one-stop-shop for tips on how to look like a pro.

Now it’s time for something completely different.  There is nothing on this list that you’d see a PGA Tour player do inside the ropes, (actually we can picture Big Cat awkwardly trying some of these out on tour, and everyone giving him the obligatory fake laugh to entertain him). These aren’t meant to be pulled with your boss, your father-in-law, or a stranger you got paired up with. These are for your friends that have been talking a little bit too much trash, or an opponent that you just want to get a leg-up on.

The Drop Area

This one only works when you’re playing with someone who hasn’t played this course before, and you have. He’s just piped one down the fairway, and reaches for the tee before the ball has even reached its apex (a #TourSauce move that we fully endorse). As you go to tee your ball up, you drop this on him:

“Great ball…. it probably got over the water, but if not, there’s a drop area, so don’t worry about it.”

Their pimp strut will be rudely interrupted for at least a second or two as they try to figure out if you’re serious.

Furyk-Esque

This one is for your buddy that is taking you to the cleaners. You’re 4-down through six, and you need to do something about it. After he splits the fairway on the 7th, all you have to do is drop this on him, and his rhythm will be gone, maybe forever:

“You’re really swinging it well, very Furyk-esque.”

How does that not un-nerve you? My swing looks like this???

The Walmart Joke

This one is a classic, and there’s a good chance you’ve heard it before. This will work once and only once on your buddy, so choose your moment wisely. After piping your drive 40 yards past him, head towards his ball with him, and give it a glance as if you’re not quite sure whether it was your ball or his. You crushed your ball, and the rest of the group knows it too. They were drooling over the drive while it was in the air, and even though you claimed you “caught it a groove low,” you know that thing is running out to the end of the fairway.

As you stride past your buddy’s measly poke, and continue towards your ball, shout back towards your buddy as he chooses his club and you keep walking further away:

You: “Did you know that they’re putting in a Walmart out here?”

Him: “What? Where?”

You: “In between my drive and yours.”

The Shooter McGavin

You’re first up on the tee on the par 3. You flight a six iron into a tucked pin, setting up yet another birdie try. Drop a Shooter McGavin, “Can’t learn that in a hockey rink.”



The Lay Up

This one is perfect for your buddy that is lacking distance off the tee, to put it nicely. After he “smokes” a 240-yard drive on a par 5, drop a casual, “That’ll work, you can lay up just fine from there.” Any swag he thought he had after that drive will immediately be evaporated.

The Delay

It’s a slow Saturday round, and you’re waiting to tee off. The group in front of you is still in the fairway, but you have the honor, and you obviously need to wait for them to at least 350 yards down the fairway before you can tee. Your buddy nudges you to go ahead and hit, as your tee is in the ground and everyone is now waiting for you. You yank your tee out of the ground, and back away saying, “I can’t go yet, but you can.”

The Mind Game

There are some easy mind games you can play on a buddy, and you’ve likely done it before. The old fashioned “wow, how many under are you? Have you ever shot this low before?” is a guarantee to play with your buddy’s head, but it’s also cheap and unoriginal. Want to really mess with their head? Drop this one on them:

“Do you inhale or exhale during your swing?”

They’ll be lost…

The Rebate

You’ve finished your round, and you’ve taken your buddy to the cleaners. You’ve had your post round beers, and you’re heading to your respective cars, when you drop this on him.

You: “Hey, did you go in the pro shop and get your rebate?”

Him: “Huh?”

You: “Yeah. You didn’t hit a green all day, you shouldn’t have to pay a greens fee.”

Try some of these out, and let us know how they go.

No Laying Up isn’t just about attacking a tucked pin or damning the odds and going for it when faced with a 260-yard carry over water. Nah, man. No Laying Up is a way of life. It’s marking up your living room ceiling while ingraining that new takeaway in the dead of winter. It’s recognizing, and celebrating, the colorful personalities in golf, especially those who make the suits at PGATour HQ cringe. It’s taking the restrictor plate off Life to give it juuuust a little more juice.

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Related Link: Golf’s Stereotypes Presented by Dude Perfect

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